When a girl gets married, she is leaving her parents, family, and home to move in with her husband's family. Her mother is no longer really her mother. Instead she must turn to her mother-in-law. When she gives birth, it will be her mother-in-law that is present; her mom can't see the newborn until a few days later. Many girls get married young--16, 17, or 18 years is not unusual for a wedding and I have seen girls even younger though this is often a forced marriage. Yes, forced marriage does exist in my village though it is illegal. The few cases I have heard about usually involved an older man taking a third or fourth wife who happens to be a young girl. Her parents have arranged the marriage and she has little say. I've been told this is less and less common nowadays but it gives you an idea of how awful the lives of girls and young women can be in this country.
The day of the wedding, the groom's cousins, brothers, and other male relatives go to the bride's home and "kidnap" her. I put this in quotations because everyone knows its going to happen and its really a game for the two families that will now be combined by marriage. The bride's sisters and female cousins will resist the kidnappers and try to keep the bride from leaving. I hear sometimes they try to make it very difficult for them to take the bride but this really is all in jest. It makes me think of the symbolism in this event though. They really are kidnapping the girls, taking her away from everything she knows, and throwing her into a whole new life.
The ceremony then takes place during the day but the bride really plays no role. The only wedding ceremony I've been to was for our prefet, the local leader kind of like a mayor. Since he is a functionnaire I know the wedding was a little different but I at least got an idea of a traditional ceremony. I was the only woman at the ceremony except for some of the groom's female relatives that were cooking and getting water in the background. Even the bride wasn't present. My understanding is this is because it is the two families that agree to the marriage at a Muslim ceremony and the fathers or uncles who will say the marriage oath. Anyways, I guess it is similar to a father walking his daughter down the aisle and giving her away at an American wedding. In both cases, traditionally the girl goes from being a daughter in one family to a wife in the other.
In the evening, the bride's younger female relatives will carry her gifts which usually includes pots & pans and everything she needs for a new house to the groom's home and sings as they go. This is the only cost for the bride's family. They provide supplies for the new house while the groom's family pays to put on the big party and has to build the bride a new hut. Once they arrive, they will sing to the groom's female relatives asking entry. Everyone else sings and dances all night long but the bride cannot dance. She will watch the festivities though.
The reason that I have really been thinking about weddings and how hard it is for the bride is because a girl I know very well came to tell me she was getting married two days later. I was shocked because I felt I knew Adinatou well and thought she was still in school. She is a member of my girls club, went to the national girls conference with me last May, and occasionally comes over to hang out with me. What I learned is that her family decided they couldn't afford her school fees this year even though I know they have more money then many in the village. I guess it was a choice for them. They also decided it was time for her to get married. She is 18 so getting to be an old maid here I guess. Thankfully, it was not an arranged marriage. She considered her new husband to be her boyfriend for the past few years. I never knew about this guy though and I guess he has been living in Ouaga. When I asked about him, she really knew very little about him such as if he had gone to school, spoke French, or what he did in Ouaga. She said they really had never talked very much. She thinks he is a good man though so I am praying that he is.
Adinatou sat at my house for about two hour the day she told me about her wedding. She said very little but I felt that she wanted to talk so I tried to prompt her with questions. She admitted to being very scared and not wanting to get married. She is hoping to continue school next year but it will depend on her husband's family. This is not unheard of but still is very rare. She told me she is a virgin and is very scared of having to have sex with her husband. I really didn't know what I could do so I listened and tried to show her I care. She said she would come back the next day. It seemed like she just wanted a break, a chance to relax a little before her life was turned upside down. I spoke with my friend Dabre in the meantime and she was also very disappointed and feels this is a forced marriage. She says we could have tried to stop it if we knew in advance but it was too late.
The next day Adinatou returned and we talked and sat together some more. She said she didn't want to get pregnant right away and still wants to continue her schooling. When I asked if she could talk to her husband, she said I should. In this culture, it is very normal to use a third party to give important information. Still I was surprised about this. She said she would tell her husband to come find me and I plan to discuss family planning options with him as well as her education. I also reminded her that there are options she can use without her husband knowing and encouraged her to come to the CSPS and see Dabre or the midwife. I informed both of them that she might come and they also encourged me to talk to her husband.
I am disappointed Adinatou didn't come to me sooner especially if there is something I could have done. I wish I had known she was being pulled out of school so I could have talked to her family. I really believe in her and see that she has potential. We've talked about how she wants to become a teacher or a nurse. She has dreams that go beyond being a wife in this village! I realize that I have done what I can though. She did come to me which shows she trusts me. It is hard for girls here to confide in others and I am sure it was scary for her even to come to my house. I am so thankful she did though and then could tell me how I could help her. I haven't talked to her husband yet since they have only been married a week but I am hoping this is one last thing I can do before I leave site. I also plan to go visit Adinatou in her new home and village before I leave. I know this is so scary for her and I feel helpless. I just hope that she knows I care and that she remembers some of the health topics we discussed in the club.
So this wedding season has made me rethink the excitement of getting married. I've had a great time dancing and partying at weddings in my village but never really considered what the bride was going through. Its so easy to assume that they are thrilled since in my culture they say a wedding is the biggest day in a girl's life. It definitely is eventful day here but that doesn't mean the bride is happy.
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